A healthy sex life can strengthen emotional connection, but many couples quietly struggle with mismatched desire. According to Las Vegas hypnotherapist and pleasure coach Kate Shelor, sexless relationships are now the number one concern clients bring to her practice.
1. Define What “Not Enough Sex” Means
Shelor explains that couples often have very different views on how often they should be intimate. One partner may feel they “never have sex,” even if it happens weekly. The other may believe weekly intimacy is completely normal.
She says the first step is simply getting partners to talk honestly about sex—what they want, what they miss, and how current patterns make them feel. She recommends working with a sex-positive therapist, noting that many general therapists receive little training in human sexuality.
2. Stop Making “Sex Agreements”
Shelor warns that making set rules—such as agreeing to have sex twice a week—usually creates pressure, resentment, and failure. She says frequency is rarely the real issue. Instead, deeper emotional or relational problems often block desire.
Her first instruction to couples is surprising:
Take sex off the table for 30 days.
Removing the goal of intercourse allows partners to reconnect through conversation, touch, affection, and shared time. During this period, she encourages couples to examine stressors such as:
- Uneven household labor
- Exhaustion
- Parenting duties
- Body image
- Emotional disconnection
These issues, she says, directly affect sexual desire.
3. Understand How Desire Works
Most men experience spontaneous desire, meaning they can feel ready for sex without much buildup. Many women experience responsive desire, meaning arousal develops only after emotional or physical stimulation.
Shelor says this difference often leaves couples out of sync. Small intentional actions—scheduled alone time, creating a relaxed atmosphere, or helping a partner shift into an “erotic headspace”—can make intimacy feel natural again.
“Once you understand how desire actually works,” she says, “you can rebuild connection instead of chasing it.”
