Most people see a pregnancy announcement and feel joy, nostalgia, or excitement. I feel dread.
For as long as I can remember, the idea of being pregnant has triggered a visceral fear. My mind jumps to worst-case scenarios—miscarriage, illness, pain, and childbirth complications. Even a late period can send me into panic.
This isn’t mild worry. It’s overwhelming, and it has shaped my life.
The confusing part is that I don’t dislike children. I adore them. I celebrate my friends’ pregnancies, love being the fun adult in a child’s world, and genuinely enjoy kids. What terrifies me is pregnancy and birth happening to my body.
Eventually, I learned there’s a name for it: tokophobia—an intense fear of pregnancy and childbirth that can disrupt daily life and lead someone to avoid pregnancy entirely. In my case, it’s primary tokophobia, meaning I’ve never been pregnant and don’t plan to be.
My husband has always known this about me. We love each other deeply, but my fear is a constant presence in our relationship. We use multiple forms of birth control, and I still spend every month holding my breath until my period arrives.
For years, I felt ashamed. People told me I’d “grow out of it” or that my “biological clock” would change my mind. It didn’t.
After researching tokophobia and speaking with a doctor, I accepted a hard truth: this fear may never fully go away. So my husband and I are exploring permanent options, like a vasectomy or hysterectomy, to protect my mental health.
And here’s what I know now: womanhood isn’t defined by childbirth. Motherhood isn’t only biology. I am more than my fear.
