A recent discussion led by columnist and podcast host Jana Hocking has opened a window into a sensitive and often hidden issue: many men who identify as straight admit to secretly having intimate encounters with other men, often while in committed relationships with women.

Hocking explained that after raising the topic online, her inbox quickly filled with personal stories. Moreover, many described long-term partners who appeared traditionally masculine yet concealed encounters with male friends, colleagues, or strangers. One man even admitted, without hesitation, that he had a sexual experience with another man at a wedding.

Wanting to understand the impact on partners, Hocking also spoke with women who later discovered these secrets. Their reactions often centred on the breach of trust rather than their partners’ sexuality.

For example, Sophie, 29, became suspicious after noticing an unfamiliar charge from a gay bar on her boyfriend’s bank statement. Months later, explicit messages confirmed her fears. Laura, 35, made a similar discovery after finding a gay dating site open on her husband’s laptop. Although he denied any physical contact, the revelation left her questioning their marriage.

Experts say these situations may stem from the pressure many men feel to maintain a traditional heterosexual identity. Research shows that same-sex experimentation among straight-identified men is more common than many assume. However, social stigma often pushes these experiences into secrecy.

This hidden conflict can lead to painful outcomes for couples. As one woman told Hocking, “The hardest part wasn’t what he did. It was the fact he hid it from me.”